Euphemism of Lies

February 9, 2012

2012-02-09T16:00:00.000-05:00

JUST A BIT

We have been called "selfish" and "insensitive" plenty of times for caring too much for ourselves and it hurts. But whatever reasons we have, we are just doing it for ourselves. They see it as an act of selfishness, but I look at it as a way to maintain a better well being. What made me say being selfish could possibly maintain a better well being of a person if majority see it as an immoral act? Because my experience said so and I think all of us experienced it too.

Caring for others is impossible if you don't know how to care for yourself. That happens all the times especially when you prioritize a person, when you pretty much spent most of your time with that person that you don't even care about yours anymore. It is sad at the end when you are blamed for everything because you didn't realize that you have been doing it wrong for all those times. Sometimes all you need is that person to help you realized where you made a mistake and fix it instead of leaving you behind. I guess that is what we really called "being unselfish".

Things could go wrong anytime, unexpectedly, and a solution may be reachable by hand but we just don't know if we could use it as it is considered unethical. Either way, being selfish is the best thing to do to protect yourself from people who doesn't appreciate your effort and to those who only knows how to take advantage.

February 2, 2012

2012-02-02T12:00:00.000-05:00

Bastard

I wanted to say something, but for some reason I was being stopped by some sort of dilemma. I don't know what was it, but apparently that was the only remaining chance and I just decided to turn my back away from it. A stupid decision. Now it's all gone. I have got no powers to bring it back, not even a second of it. It's all gone, I just wasted it.

Chances; I have ranted about it plenty of times, but I still haven't learned how to catch it. Eventually I will learn how to see if a chance is coming or if it's just a "shit" that I should not be worried about.

January 18, 2012

2012-01-18T03:24:00.000-05:00

In between

I can't think, I mean I can't comprehend a thought at this moment. It is just like when tuning in to a radio station, you'll get some music but may ended getting in some sort of low-budget station with just static-filled frequency.

Unfair isn't it? no! I think it's fair.

My body is drastically giving up from a tedious journey, but I won't be able to stop as I haven't been granted a chance to rest. I still can't think, thoughts that are coming from my mind are just dull.

I give up, but that is just a secret as I'm not allowed to. No motivation, no inspiration, no anything but nothing, especially right now. I need to fight! with what? fist, gun, sword, nothing? I can actually fight, we all are, but we are just afraid that fighting will cost us pretty much all our fortune!

I still can't think. unbelievable.

December 31, 2011

2011-12-31T11:30:00.000-05:00

Omega

What is so important about this day? nothing really. Today and tomorrow will be just like another day for most of us, it will be just like yesterday and the day before and the day from last week. Only few of us will see it as a special day. Not everyone is using the same calendar; the Gregorian calendar, and not everyone will be observing the 1st of January as the beginning of new year. So what is so unique about this weekend's big celebration? Nothing! nothing really! Or am I just being cynical here???

People see the new year's day as the start of an another beginning where everything will change and will be new. People tend to think that this is the time to start over again. But new calendar doesn't indicate the changes in our life or in our society, however it does help us to motivate ourselves to realize that our time are drastically moving to its end. Yet, we are still here, trying to fool ourselves that new year will be a new beginning where our past will be erased and therefore we can totally forget about it. No! That is indeed a complete stupidity. Past will never be just a past, it will be the new measuring system for our future. That's it.

In the end, our society granted us a freedom to choose and change, freedom to believe and to resist the oral tradition of believing that new year will be a new beginning. It is ourselves, only us, who can change the direction of our life, not a calendar, not a fireworks, not a countdown not even our friends and family and love ones.

Happy new year!

December 21, 2011

2011-12-21T01:39:00.000-05:00

Sliding through

Have you ever been disappointed someone or by someone? How did you handle the effect of it? Were you be able to get through of it in a day or did it take you a lifetime? What is the worst disappointment you have ever experience in your life?

Telling a person or a special someone, that you would be there for her in any times particularly during her down moment is a nice thing to say, but when you will not be able to fulfil what you have promised when a worse situation occurs, is just a huge disappointment. It is hard to sleep, it is hard to stop thinking about it, you won't be able to blame anyone else but yourself.

December 11, 2011

2011-12-11T11:00:00.000-05:00

Gradually changin'

They said that when a window closed another window will open for you, probably a better and bigger one. If you lose something, you will find a replacement; the same one but much more better. Is it even true? Does it really happen? Is it a psychological manipulation where we have to believe in just to get over with things? or is it just a coincident that such things happens in times where you are experiencing or you have just experienced a terrible thing that caused you a depression? Whatever the answer is, whatever the explanation could be, this can only manipulate those who cannot provide themselves their own decision; with better judgement and keen understanding of the situation.

December 2, 2011

2011-12-02T01:19:00.000-05:00

Dealing with it

Learning the truth will never free yourself from carrying a heavy burden, but instead it will help you relax yourself a bit from what is going on. So never assume nor expect, but always be ready to accept what would about to happen, the truth.

November 22, 2011

2011-11-22T17:45:00.000-05:00

Delicate

I have accepted the truth that I will not be able to get this thing that I have been wanting for a while, I thought it would let me get over it but I can't. They said accepting the truth is the best way to get away of something bothering you; or someone in some cases, but that doesn't really work in the situation I am experiencing right now. I did accept the fact, but my pride says be patient and just wait.

November 16, 2011

2011-11-16T12:31:00.000-05:00

Uncertainty

I have never been consistent since the day I was informed that I will not get anything from the government to fund my college education. My future plans has changed constantly that always put me in to a difficult situation of choosing. I have made different options and plans, and I have critically evaluated those with the help of advice and opinion of others. Nevertheless of the differences of my options, I will have to choose one to be the starting point of my future. It is indeed hard, but sometimes even though you like all of them you must have to go stick to one.

Right now, I am trying to be consistent with the decision I am making; liking someone or something, although there is vivid fact that there might not be any assurance that I will have it. I have my doubt, but sometimes it is just a part of it.

November 9, 2011

2011-11-09T22:11:00.002-05:00

Syntax Error

Lifeis indeed crazy. If you don't try hard, you will not get what you want; ifyou try harder, you may not still get whatever that thing you reallywant. Why does it have to be like that? Why can't we just get it andleave? I don't really know, because even myself are tying to get whatI want, knowing the fact the I won't be able to get it, at all. But, I think the life should be like that. It was design to go through all those complicated stages before getting to the level where you just have to enjoy your life (death).

Theysaid “try harder so you'll get it”, no it doesn't always worklike that, sometimes you'll just die trying harder. Unfair.

November 2, 2011

2011-11-02T11:10:00.000-04:00

Unprocessed

We have been trying to let unimportant things to occupy our minds, to think about it and worry about it. By doing those, it will not only affect ourselves but also those who are around us, which is the society itself. With the invention of many things and innovation of modern ideas, the human values are being buried thousands of feet under. It is testing the limitation, and it is dangerous.

Most kids right now; I wouldn't hesitate to include myself as I'm not that old yet, are not trying hard enough to find the real purpose of their teenage life, but instead they would do whatever their surroundings would influence them. Like Chameleon. Based on Canadian statistic on youth related crimes, the teenagers who have committed (including those who were accused) crimes in 2010 were ages 15 - 23, following by the report of nearly 153,000 youths have been accused of a crime just in the year of 2010. It is surprising that teenagers made the highest percentage of crime statistic by age. where the f*** these kid's parents when they were growing up?

Who and what would cause this madness?

I would blame their parents first and foremost who either too strict or too open, the television, those money-making music artist (don't bother calling them musician, because they are not!), the 15-minutes-fame TV personality, company that indirectly promoting violence, the lack of government program, awareness and many more that will go on and on.

We don't really have to aggravate someone just for the sake of experiencing it. Do we?

Source:
Statistic Canada - www.statcan.gc.ca
- http://www.statcan.gc.ca/pub/85-002-x/2011001/article/11523-eng.htm

October 22, 2011

2011-10-21T02:29:00.000-04:00

Interest - Part I

People may have done different kind of wonderful things in this world; the invention of fire, languages, airplanes, computers, satellites, smartphones, etc, but why some are still not satisfied on what they have right now? Are we becoming more greedy now? Is it because of the modernisation, people are starting to lose the simple morality and ethics we've learned from our parents? is it our parents are causing us to experience this? or is it a trend in our society?

Recent events including the release of Apple Inc. new consumer product - Iphone 4s - that has shaken the gadget-world of its new features; the "Occupy Wall St." that have occupied most of the world major city centre (but unfortunately most of those protester doesn't have any unified issue to address the society); the video that went viral of a Chinese toddler getting run over twice by a van and has been ignored by dozens of passerby, are some of the issues that can be concluded by a simple thesis - the fall of cultural value and human morality is the rise of an improving society. This can be a subject for a good debate, both formal and informal. This Thesis may have been argued before by scholars, may have been thought and studied by different schools, and may have been offered a conclusion and resolution, but this issue will remain unresolved until the very end of our society.

I will have my argument about this subject on my next post. give me your's too.

October 10, 2011

2011-10-10T00:41:00.000-04:00

In between

I have been wanting to do something better for myself, but due to few unexpected events, it can't be done. Unlike others, I'm not contented about my current situation right now, my current status. I'm not really expecting to be rich, but I would like to see myself in five years as a successful person and not living in a pay-cheque to pay-cheque life. It is indeed hard, but it is a challenge that we must face as part of the ongoing plan for our life. Nobody likes a difficult challenges that would involve everything, but as soon as you overcome those, you will be fine.

Dream high as they always said, but dream is just a dream, we will have to do something first before getting those dreams. But don't forget where you came from or else. Don't listen to me, do your own thing and plan your own ways to reach the top.

October 6, 2011

2011-10-06T10:30:00.000-04:00

Last chance

I have drafted this blog for over ten times now, since last week. I have written almost 20 paragraphs and just keep deleting it. I have been going over and over on the list of topic that I wanted to talk about, but none of those pushed me to write something. I don't really know what to write; its not that I ran out of idea, its just I was not making any sense for each sentences that I have been typing. - This was the third paragraph from my previous draft

Sometimes we feel that our life is not making any sense, for some reason, we don't know. We are irritated, we feel troubled, we can't comprehend something simple, we are not even sick but we think we are sick. Why? I don't know. - I spent almost an hour to write this nonsense paragraph, this doesn't even have the formal number of sentences.

I think this is what would happen if we keep selfishly indulging ourselves with things that is not really important, things that would care less about our interest, ideas that would not even bother staying on us. If we, I guess, would focus on hauling tons of ideas and not do something useful on one of those, we would automatically reach the point that we would just pause and then (or may) lose everything. - Look, bunch of Jibber Jabber.

September 29, 2011

2011-09-29T02:20:00.000-04:00

Too much

I was reading an article last night in the newspaper about the use of BC/AD or Before Christ and Anno Domini on BBC network. The recent news said that BBC is dropping the use of BC/AD as it refers to the birth and death of Jesus Christ and it alienates other citizen with a different religious background, instead they were proposing of using BCE (before common era) and CE (common era) to determine the year. Although the network aren't pushing it to all of its production, some of its show has already started using the term.

This issue may not be as big as Palestine's bid for a full membership in UN, however this issue is showing how the idea of "democracy" is slowly destroying a community's culture. UK has long been a Christian country, which dated way back during the beginning of Christianity as the official religion of the Roman empire under the power of emperor Constantine. That should sum everything up. Enough with the History.

So the issue is the use of BC and AD is offending the non Christian citizen of United Kingdom, why? aren't those non-Christian are immigrants - the Muslims, Jewish, Hindus, Buddhist, etc? didn't they decide to settle into a nation with a strong religious tradition? didn't they take the oath of citizenship which included that faithfulness to the Royal throne which is the head of the English Church? If they are offended with the use of BC and AD that has long been used by the majority around the globe to determine the date, and if they think BCE and CE is the appropriate term, we might as well change our calendar, instead of using the Gregorian calendar (the one we are using right now) which was introduce by Pope Gregory XIII back on 15th century, lets just use nothing.

Equality of religion is bullsh*t; does some of the Middle Eastern countries acknowledge this kind of law? no! if you're Christian - you are dead, if you're Jewish - you are definitely dead! so why bother adding them to the UN and why bother doing business with them? English people? you are considered as one of the strongest nation in the world, and now you're being chicken with this simple thing? BBC you guys are being absurd, protect your culture lad!

September 21, 2011

2011-09-21T07:09:00.000-04:00

(click the photos to enlarge)

Murmuring

Few recent events have made me examined my faith and constantly questioned myself. I did not put myself in a status of a monk where I would just sit in a corner and start praying and recollecting, however I used some of my spare seconds to think about my faith, think about what I am experiencing at the moment. I am not a theologian nor a philosopher not even a priest, but I am a faithful and I do have a right to talk about my faith.

Science, modern technology and some studies has been trying to explain to everyone that the idea of god is a scam. I think some of those scholars have concluded their studies that the existence of god and gods are based on the cultural fact that it is just a product of oppression where the citizens will look for a supreme being; a superhero perhaps, to save them from what they were experiencing at that time. Scholars may have knowledge about the theories and logical evidences about everything around the universe, but do you think they have faith? do you think they know the purpose of our life in this world? have they ever give us the answer about the real meaning of life? have they ever considered praying perhaps examining their conscience and faith? Those are the questions that we believers have been asking them since the beginning of this debate.

Praying; we, faithful see it as way of talking to our God, way of communicating to him, it is also our unseen diary, nonetheless some scholars see it as a sign of mental abnormality. But praying is one way of professing our faith as we accept the fact that there is someone overseeing us. Critics have wrote numbers of essays and book including this website post titled God is imaginary - proof #1 praying about why praying is a proof that god is not really true. The author condescendingly use an examples like a "prayer to cure a cancer" to prove that prayer does not work at all. No further rebuttal. But I strongly believe that we have been created to live our life without miracle and magic, we have been created to search the purpose of our life as we have been given the rights to decide how we will pursue it.

I do not really involve myself to a queue where everyone are looking for an answer if my God is really true, instead I do employ myself to a mission of making my own faith meaningful as much as possible. They may have evidences proving that god does not exist, but I have my strong faith that will never be destroyed by a conclusion of those who do not have faith. Like what Francis Joseph Sheed said in his book title "Theology and Sanity", "you cannot discuss the purpose of life with a man who denies the existence of god.

September 13, 2011

2011-09-14T04:03:00.000-04:00

Accepting it

It has been more than two decades since the last time I unconsciously felt my mother's touch and presence, and none of those are still vivid at this moment. I have told myself and everyone who knows my story that I have no animosity against my mother, however a feeling of despise is the only thing I have left for her. She may have done it against her will but she just did what she had to do at that very moment, and all I can do is to accept it.

Letting go of your child is a difficult thing to do for a mother, yet on the other hand it was a heroic gesture - although I did not witness it - when she handed over me to others. We all know the time will come where I will have to find her to forgive and thank her for what she had done, but I guess it will not happen until I decided that I'm ready for that moves.

I envy my friends that calls their family as their inspiration in life, and I really envy them when they are together. I have to admit, my grandmother is the only family I know, where close friends are the next one. It is good to have friends and I'm happy to have some.

My apology (for those who diligently reading what I'm writing here), I have never really intended to post something about my life where I would write it in first person point of view. There is, however, nothing I can do but to write whatever is available on the shelves.

September 11, 2011

2011-09-11T02:33:00.002-04:00

Turning point, 2001 - 2011

Lest we forget, i would say, to those who lost their precious soul.

Lest we forget, I would cry, along with those left behind.

Lest we forget and I will salute and remember those fallen servicemen.

Lest we forget, I would pray, that no more soul must suffer

from any event that will turn someone's life upside down.

September 7, 2011

2011-09-07T17:10:00.001-04:00

Habulan

Basillio Magbanua

Binting nakatanikala

sa lupang pinaglibingan

ng alaala na kahit bagyo

ay di kayang buwagin.

Habang ang mga nakaraan

ay patuloy na bumubulwak

palabas ng sementong tapayan

ang ating pagtitinginan

ay nananatiling makulimlim.

Isang dekada ang lumipas

ngunit parang kahapon lamang

natin ito ay sadyang nasimulan

dahil magpahanggang ngayon

ay patuloy pa rin natin itong

binabalikan.

Tadhana nga ba

o sadyang nagkataon?

pagtatagpo natin

hanggang ngayon

ay hindi pa rin lumalaon.

Sa pagbubukang liwayway

ng iyong panibagong buhay

pilitin mong punan

ang uliran mong sisidlan

ng mga makukulay na talata

at dulang maipapasa mo

sa susunod mong bata.

August 31, 2011

2011-08-31T12:00:00.002-04:00

Transition

It is like a game, you have to go through different challenges and must acquire something important before it will let you move into another stage, or level up. Today is the day where i'll be ending my year and tomorrow is another beginning. I don't see it as a unique day anymore, it is just like another day. I may have observed it before, but that was back then when I can still see it as a day for celebration.

Things change all the time, it doesn't stay as it is and sometimes you have to accept it.

August 29, 2011

2011-08-29T11:00:00.002-04:00

Do it yourself!

When you with someone that is taking a different path from what you are taking right now, it is time for you to eject yourself away from it and go move along. It will not benefit you if you let that person drag you away from what you want, from what you think is right. It is a big responsible for an individual that is new to this way of life, but for people who have experienced this stage of life, this will be just an another day of challenge. So you better start thinking now while there is still light for you to see what is going on.

It is good to think about others, but sometimes you got to think about yourself too. You are not really being selfish or an ass or anything for doing that, it will just show that you are capable of being independent, and you don't really need anyone to help you stand firmly.

"...Optimism if better than despair... be optimistic." - Jack Layton, 1950 - 2011

August 17, 2011

2011-08-17T12:00:00.005-04:00

Trying to!

Have you ever been to a place where you planned to do something but your enthusiasm disturbed you and diverted you into different direction, and then at the end you will realize that you have not done what you wanted to do, because you wasted that moment, that time, that chance. It is like a weather, you will just realize that you have missed something when it is almost at the end of the season. It is annoying.

There are people, places, things and even moments, that come and go really fast where we are not able to experience it or fulfill what we have planned for it. Those can only happen once, it may repeat but it will not be exactly the same as the previous one. Tell whoever is special to you what you want to tell them and make them feel you that they are an important part of your life, while you still can, while they can still hear and see and feel you. This is your chance.

August 11, 2011

2011-08-11T12:00:00.000-04:00

No, I am not!

More than a year ago, I decided to start blogging and i have never thought that it will be part of my everyday cyber life. I committed myself on taking photos and writing whatever comes up on my stinky mind. From then, ideas are constantly coming out of nowhere and I have to write something about it. I have written almost about everything and if you have noticed, most of the times, the entry photo does not match with what I'm writing about, because those photos were not intended for explanation using words. Blogging is not my job, it doesn't pay my bills but it is still a commitment and I'm willing to commit some days each month posting my thoughts and showcasing my work, and I will not quit until the day that I actually have to stop this.

We don't like the term "quitter", especially if we have been called as one. It is sometimes annoying but not offending, because we know that quitting is not a bad thing, and for me quitting is part of progress and must experience by everyone who are eager to discover new things. There are reasons why we do quit, it is not just because we don't want to be in it. Quitting is better than pushing ourselves to stay and continue doing things against our will that may actually cause a much worser situation and affect whoever is involve.

Things may not work according to your plan - try working it out, but if it didn't work out at all - don't be afraid to quit and move on. Quitting must always be the last one in your option, never make it first.

August 5, 2011

2011-08-05T10:00:00.004-04:00

Limited offer

How do we define trust? how do we know if we trust someone? how do we trust people? Trust may have numbers of definition but it can only describe as a strong, important and risky relationship between the trustor and the trustee (title that is widely used in business). But how do we trust?

We tend to say the we trust a person when we feel comfortable around them. That would be a shallow definition of trust. We feel comfortable around someone if that person made it like that, it is not because we trust them. I do believe that only certain person; it may not be your parents, your bestfriend, your girlfriend or anyone close to you, are trustworthy. You may be so close to your bestfriend but (for sure, and we all know this) you can't really say anything to him, because there is a reason, a reasonable explanation that only you, yourself can understand.

Trust, is a "one time offer" or a "final sale", because there will be no return or exchange or if you ruin someone's trust, no guarantee of renewing it. There is no going back and start over again. We should also carefully choose who to trust. Not everyone deserves it. It is complicated and risky that both sides must take it seriously and treat it like a glass that if you drop it, that's the end.

Like what Marilyn Monroe said, " ...you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself."

July 27, 2011

2011-07-27T10:00:00.060-04:00

Cooling off

Most of the times when we are experiencing troubles, we tend to unravel it by going through the complexity of the situation before thinking about the simplest way of resolving it. It is not a bad thing however in some situation, work for example, in a department, it will affect the performance of those who are involve. This kind of behaviour (based on my observation) can be trace to the individual's way of doing things. That individual might be academically smart that he would solve everything using different complex methods where he could have just done it using the easiest one.

Sometimes, even in a small extent, we need to take it easy. We don't really have to push ourselves on something we think is better but on the other hand we know that it would complicate our life. We just have to cool it off.

July 22, 2011

2011-07-22T11:21:00.002-04:00

Think big

Sometimes, I enjoy travelling alone, however it is boring. I came here in Canada by myself; I went back home and come back here by myself; I go biking most of the time by myself; I do some things by myself; I dream alone! It is fun, but it is boring.

We do say sometimes that we don't need anyone to be great or happy or successful. Yes it is true; partially true. The truth is we still need someone in our life, a someone that will actually help us motivate ourselves or help us reach our goals. They may not be a big part of it, but still played a role for us to do whatever we really want; either right or wrong!

Have you seen a monocycle travel through a normal road properly?

July 19, 2011

2011-07-19T04:02:00.004-04:00

60 mph

We tend to forget the phrase "take it easy" when things are moving so quickly in our life. We have never look back because we are busy on looking ahead. We do not even like to take it slowly, even though we know that we are not able to keep it up. Basically, we are unable to understand the context; to make a good judgement on the situation and careful decision about it, because we are just focusing on the text. Some of us likes "instant", we just want to grab the opportunity we've been wanting for so long, but without a careful and justified plans.

July 15, 2011

2011-07-15T03:59:00.002-04:00

Detour

There is always an end for everything, because nothing last forever, like love, trust, happiness, miseries, small, big, fame, secrets, sickness, wealth, etc.. "Forever" is just a word, it is not an action, it only means a long amount of time. People use it; especially when trying to impress someone, to express their emotion; "I will love you forever", "Best friends forever". It doesn't work like that, time will come where everything will start to fall off and melt like a candle, some aren't ready for that.

July 10, 2011

2011-07-11T13:23:00.003-04:00

Empty grass

I just got back here in Toronto from a relaxing stress-free three days getaway. That three days brought me to the days where time goes really slow; where we don't really care about what is going on around us; where computer and tv aren't our priority; where problems are nowhere to be found. It was back then when I was still a small kid; always eager to go out to play some street games with others until whenever we want to stop, that I experienced the life of being independent from time and responsibility. It was fun to experience it again, it makes you feel that this word doesn't jut revolve in bills, work, problems, etc.

That three days let my friends and I to bond after months or year of not seeing each other, also laugh and play like a kid like we have never laugh like it before. It was fun seeing them again!

July 6, 2011

2011-07-06T13:10:00.001-04:00

Partition

Learn from your mistake while you are still young and never let yourself make the same mistake again. I guess having all kinds of trouble at this age is a good benefit; it will enable me to learn from it. So in the future when I think I have settled myself and then suddenly something similar and familiar from the mistake I have made before is starting to build up, I will know what to do; it is time for me to detour.

After days of thinking from what have just happened (those things that fucked me up) from the beginning of this month, I have decided that I have to separate myself from all those and start moving on. If I keep thinking of all those matters and not do any single things, I'll just be like my flat tire; useless. Wish me luck.

July 2, 2011

2011-07-02T11:14:00.002-04:00

Plan B

Yesterday, July 1st, Canada day; the day after days of recovering my account number and password for my OSAP application, I received a notice saying that I will not be able to get any funding for my Educational and living expenses from the provincial government during my study period. It made me upset, however I suspected that there are mistakes on my application as they closed it with conclusion of I, myself have an adequate income to pay my educational cost and provide my needs during the school year. That is not true, my annual income based on the recent assessment of the Tax department isn't enough to sustain all my needs including the tuition fee for my Program. This news didn't not lead me to a stage where I just want to cut myself into pieces because I do have a plan b.

Life does not end in a notice saying you have been denied for an opportunity. Although it is really important that if I miss it I will have to wait another year to be eligible again (If that is really true). What I can do now is to go visit the school and appeal or have them help me fix this problem. I have been out of school for almost four years now (I didn't consider the time I stayed in highschool here) and I'm sick of it, I need to finish something, however studying isn't free anymore. I have to do something. This life is just going to be like a flat tire that if i just stayed here and not change it, I will miss more important opportunities in my life.

July 1, 2011

2011-07-01T13:35:00.000-04:00

Comparison to our life

Manila, Philippines

June 28, 2011

2011-06-29T00:16:00.000-04:00

Recovery

Cavite, Philippines

After a week of depression and sadness I'm still sad, depress doesn't exist anymore, I'm moving on! It is hard, leaving them behind, again, even though there is an easy way to reach them, it is still different when you are besides them! Life doesn't end here, I just have to remember the reason why I am here, why I have to sacrifice my time far from them. I just have to reach that goal and then I can do whatever I want and whoever I want to do it with.

June 20, 2011

2011-06-21T06:26:00.000-04:00

Back to normal

Philippines

I just realized that I have never spent any quality time with my family because I focused myself doing other things. I am selfish. Why didn't I realized that before while I'm with them? Because i'm insensitive; I was just thinking about what I want, not what I really want. I'm going back again to Canada bringing all these guilty conscience and promised commitments. I thought i'm a grown up now, but that was just that a thought.

That vacation wasn't only just a “vacation”, it was an experience that I would never forget. I learned things that I would never learn from someone else who doesn't have any experience in life, I was thought by people who actually knows me and care about me. They are my friends and my family. I will miss them.

Thanks to my Lola, Cherry and all my friends. They are the best people in the world.

June 12, 2011

2011-06-11T23:35:00.001-04:00

Not at all

Manila, Philippines

Six more days, less than a week, and then I'll be on the air again, travelling back to Toronto. It is sad, one month is not enough at all to see all my friends, classmates and relatives, and to visit the places I’ve been and never been before. For all those days, I've only stayed at home once because of the heavy rain, otherwise I'm out trying to embrace the place that I will never see again for a long time. I enjoyed doing things I've never done before like traveling through EDSA road by myself and some stuff that you don't really have to know.

It is still vivid to me the feeling of something I've never experience before back here at home; freedom. My life was limited back then; probably because of my age and the fact that you don't really know what might happen to you, to home, church, school and other house. But now, I’m free, with my own money and knowledge what I want to do and where to go.

Goodbye congested traffic, pollution, noisy life and natural smile. I will see you soon, probably after 4 years. Goodbye Manila and the rest of the capital region. Goodbye Cavite, the province that has served as my home for seventeen years.

See you soon.

These photos were taken along the streets of Manila's Chinatown, Santa Cruz and Recto. Those streets are one of the busiest streets in Metro Manila because of the business establishment, landmarks and bus stops.

June 8, 2011

2011-06-08T02:45:00.002-04:00

Desperately

Quezon City, Philippines

Not everyone is capable to have a wonderful relationship like these two (see photos above, i almost block these two from my FB's newsfeed because of this kind of photos, it's too much! hahaha). It is hard if you do not know how to handle every part of it; it is like a person trying to drink alcohol more than what he is able to consume. People these days are desperate to have a partner, they will do everything just to have it like pretending to be someone else. This single thing is sometimes deadly, it will kill you slowly but painfully.

Relationship is a tie between individuals; it needs a mutual respect, understanding and trust with each other, without all those things it will just be a piece of joke.

May 27, 2011

2011-05-27T00:36:00.000-04:00

Yuliya: Я улыбнулся Сталин

(I smiled at Stalin)

Toronto, On

"Photography has become a folk art; everybody in the world now can take one great picture. If you gave cameras to chimpanzees, they'd come up with a great picture as well" - David Bailey

May 26, 2011

2011-05-25T17:03:00.002-04:00

Business transaction

Cavite, Philippines

It is my fifth day back here in the Philippines, where above 30 degrees Celsius is nothing but just a typical everyday temperature. Most of the time - or when I'm home - three electric fans aren't enough to provide a cool and comfortable afternoon. Well I'm enjoying it and I miss this place, especially my room!

May 21, 2011

2011-05-20T14:18:00.003-04:00

Not long enough

Toronto, On

© Darmaine Quillao 2011

"Goodbyes are not forever.
Goodbyes are not the end.

They simply mean I'll miss you

Until we meet again!"

- Author Unknown

I have met her not too long ago, but long enough for me to trust her more than anybody else. She may not feel the same thing, but i considered her as my "brother" from another mother (we have sisters too). Her manly personality, her courage and determination, her creativity, her laugh and of course her pimples, are some of the things that i will definitely missed and cherished. It's the end for us, but it's a new beginning for her.

She departed us for a commitment; i'll just end it here, we never talked about it.

It's sad that i won't be able to say goodbye to her properly. It's just sad that it'll take years to see her again, but life is always like that - wonderful things never stay long. Thanks again for the memories Suba. You'll be missed.

This is not a eulogy by the way.

May 17, 2011

2011-05-18T12:07:00.000-04:00

Lost

Toronto, On

May 8, 2011

2011-05-08T14:08:00.002-04:00

Extraordinary

Toronto, On

Chances only happens once and if it does happen again, it will not be the same. There is no way for a person to be born again, that is just impossible; it is like a chance, it is not repeatable. We are not capable of things that will manipulate our chances, as we are not fully equipped - or not a all - of knowledge and wisdom. Chance is a one in a lifetime event, it will never happen again.

Our Mother; the person who had spent nine months nurturing us inside her womb; the person who would help us stand when we are on the ground; the one that would explain us patiently what vegetable is; the person that will try to pack our lunch everyday before we leave for school; the person that will not sleep when we are sick. We only have one chance in our life to appreciate what she had done for us - that chance is when she still alive, still able to listen, where you can still whisper on her ear and where she can still feel your hug.

Mother's day is just a special day dedicated to mothers, but for all those she had done, we are going to need another 364 days or probably the rest of our days just to acknowledge her "unconditional love". Not everyone is fortunate enough to have a mother besides them.

April 19, 2011

2011-04-19T03:38:00.004-04:00

Top
Toronto, On

Rooftops have been restricted to people; both from a low rise apartment or a tall downtown financial building, from a single reason - it is dangerous. Person that is suffering from depression or a mentally disable are tend to commit suicide using different methods including drowning, hanging, suffocating, by firearms and jumping from a height. According to an article from the web, jumping is not a usual method of committing suicide based on 2005 suicide statistic. Majority of suicidal people use firearm to end their life as it is fast and painless – unless it missed the shot – however people who does not have access to any sort of firearm tend to go for hanging and jumping.

People reaching their goal or simply knowing something better than others – they technically feel that they've reached the top – are tend to fall down easily, hurt someone or going crazy. Businessman, artist, some pop star (I don't really want to call them artist) and of course the royal family, are the best example of people falling apart after reaching the apex of their life. It is like committing suicide but in a way that it would not spill blood. We have heard and seen famous people going crazy since the beginning of this year; Charlie Sheen is the best example. These people have gone to the stage where “being normal” is not a choice anymore, but is just a part of their past; an experience.

What I mean is, there is nothing wrong of being on the top, as long as you know how to control your life without hurting anyone including yourself. Being peculiar is not bad if you can act normal in front of normal crowd. Don't fall, don't step too close to the edge, control yourself.

These images are taken around downtown Toronto; Financial buildings from King st. west and the others were taken around Queen street. West.

April 14, 2011

2011-04-14T01:06:00.000-04:00

Visiting

Toronto, On

©Darmaine Quillao 2011

Zhea, a friend of mine from the Capital city of Canada - Ottawa - visited Toronto during March break. She first lived here before moving out to Ottawa with her family. According to her, as I 've never been to Ottawa before, it is nothing like Toronto. Well, besides the Parliament Hill - where the Canadian Parliament building is located - the National war museum and many more, that is pretty much it. I'll just judge it when I see the capital myself.

Zhea and I have known each other for a while. I met her when she started working at my work. We became friend because we do share almost the same interest; Arts and fashion. She is a lovely person, she treated me as her big bro, so i treated her as my lil' sister. So when she visited the City, we decided to have a small shoot and then window shop around Yorkville and Kensington Market. She messaged me a week before to tell me that i have to make time, perhaps a day or two just for her.

I miss this little girl! She is a big girl now tho! =D

I hate Blogger's quality of all these uploaded images, but i'm lazy to use another image hosting, so whatever.

April 10, 2011

2011-04-11T02:57:00.000-04:00

Unnoticeable

Toronto, On

©Darmaine Quillao 2011

I like the way I make my images and for me it is my style, although I can't really say what my style is as i haven't reached the time where the foundation of my work is strong enough. Some of you might say "your portrait are garbage, they are not even looking at you!", but that is how I would like my photos to look like; unknown and unwanted.

A friend of mine has featured me (i'm not so important, so let's just use "she wrote something about me") on her Tumblr; link, thanks Sophie! And to my special someone, I miss you!

April 8, 2011

2011-04-08T07:36:00.001-04:00

Broadview Hotel, Broadview and Queen East

Afternoon Rush, College and Bay

Rush

Toronto, On

Some people just love being nosy, and that is definitely me. However I wouldn't be so nosy about someone's business if that someone is not making too much to get everyone's attention saying "I'm available for those nosy people!". Unfortunately some people just love reacting to everything, even small thing; I don't do that!

After years, I finally decided to go to bed in what we call "normal sleeping time" so i can get up early because for work. I'll be waking up six in the morning now instead of twelve in the afternoon until Sunday, then back to "my" normal sleeping schedule. It feels good, seeing the sun shine; just an hour ago, the sky was "pinky-orange-ish" according to the morning news.

I have not talk to her properly for a while and i miss her so much. If you're reading this, i miss you!

April 4, 2011

2011-04-04T04:31:00.001-04:00

Shifter

Toronto, On

I decided that I would try using bike to get to work or wherever I want instead of using public transit. It wasn't really a good idea, I realized that I would still need to use public transit from time to time. For example, during the snow time, during the spring rain and during when I did not have anything for breakfast. I literally fainted earlier after a 3km ride from where I picked up this bike; I was dehydrated and hungry. So I just took bus to get to my work.

It was warm and nice outside earlier this afternoon, but not until the evening when mother nature have decided to turn the "snow-again" switch on. My head light's and rear light's battery is new, my water bottle is full, I have my scarf around my neck and then boom, straight down to the bus station because it was snowing (wet snow, which is the worse one! they are all wet, but this one is worse!), no chance for biking.

I miss you babe!

March 26, 2011

2011-03-26T17:51:00.001-04:00

Upscale

Toronto, On

Last week during march break, a friend of mine from Ottawa came down here in Toronto for visit. She used to live here but not long enough to discover the whole city, especially the dowtown area. She asked me to bring her around and so I brought her at Yorkville, an upscale district of Toronto, located at Bloor St. West between Yonge St. and Avenue Road. I guess she knows that there is a Betsey Johnson Botique here in Toronto and she was dying to get inside the shop. If we just have a lot of time, I would have brought her at Distillery district or at the Annex or somewhere around the Fashion district at King St. west.

I received the offers of admission from the colleges I applied into, and I decided to accept the offer from George Brown college for Graphic design program. I'm excited to go back to school, it has been a while since the last time I stepped into a classroom with my books and notes (not the shitty highschool tho!). Goodluck to me.

These photos were taken around Yorkville when my friend, her friend and I were walking around and checking out stores. I was taking photos with my wide angle lens without looking at the viewfinder so that is why all images are out of alignment and almost looks like it was taken from t he ground. I like it!

Thanks to you someone.

March 15, 2011

2011-03-15T00:27:00.001-04:00

Eargasm

Toronto, On

Have anyone of you experienced being inspired by someone or something to do stuffs you don't normally do? I have! It didn't make me do something that I've never done before, but it inspired me to do more from what I have been doing.

This another self portrait has started long time ago; my goal is just to make photo of myself, triggered by boredom. Self portrait isn't easy at all, it is like taking picture using film although you know what you are taking but you don't have any idea what would the result looks like. Self Portrait is the same, though it has been done by everyone for many times, making a unique self-portrait photo is only for some people; i'm not saying i'm good, but i know how to do it! Self portraiture isn't easy but it isn't complicated too. It just need some determination and patience. I called this the art of "timer-run-pose".

I've done a couple of boring shots on that day until something/someone gave me an inspiration to make this I don't know, photo? i just have to move there, focus to that, dry that part, move a little bit there; then there you go, me pretending to be drunk and cool by wearing aviator sunglasses. Thanks to that Corinne Bailey's cover of Timberlake's Sexy Back.

March 07, 2011

2011-03-07T14:37:00.000-05:00

Right away

Toronto, On

I had my portfolio interview for Fine Arts Studio program earlier this afternoon at Centennial College on Pape Ave. The Campus, according to the program coordinator, is the smallest of all the College's campuses; it only has approximately 800 students and it is specifically design for Art program. Based on what I have seen, the building is amazing, classrooms and studios are big enough to accommodate a decent amount of student.

I had my session in a open studio, face to face in a long table with the Coordinator; he is such a fine gentleman, under a 10 feet by 10 feet glass roof. We had a normal talk about what is going on, my plans and my work. He was impressed though a little bit disappointed on some parts as I don't have too much color work to show. I told him that i'm scared to use color, and i'm not good at it at all. Well on the end, he shook my hand and offered me his unofficial program acceptance. I'll decide after I had my interview with George Brown College for Graphic Arts Program. Wish me luck.

I having nothing to celebrate, but hearing a praise from an artist about my work is better than nothing. I'm just happy.

March 06, 2011

2011-03-06T04:31:00.001-05:00

Candle stick

Toronto, On

There is always end for everything and there is no way for us to change it. We can't just be young forever as we will eventually die. Same as the things we have been doing for a while, time will come that we will just drop things on the ground. The only choices we have is to let it go and move on. It will not be that easy for the majority as some of us are not use to a sudden change. Actually, it will not be easy for everyone, whatever it is, it will affect almost everything from ourselves, it will affect us - the victim.

The images above was taken last year, i'm not sure when exactly as i never track all my film shot. This was taken using my Minolta XG9 with Ilford Delta ISO 3600 and developed by Arianne Solis.

February 27, 2011

2011-02-27T14:31:00.000-05:00

Working at Safe-mode

Toronto, On

My laptop has started messing up my life for not working when i'm in normal mode. I'm in a critical time right now; finishing my portfolio, computing my tax return, finishing my application for college loan and many more. How can i do all these things when your computer will get stuck and load for the next few days? annoying. So now i'm working at SAFE freaking MODE, where sounds doesn't work and everything look just like a program from windows 95. *sigh. Well, i hope i'll get this poor thing fixed soon.

It's Academy Award tonight, who is your bet people? I want Colin Firth to get the award for being the Stuttering King Georges VI at the King Speech, although Javier Bardem has done a mega-awesome performance in Biutiful. Best Actress, whoever gets the award, i don't really care. Have anyone noticed; although it wasn't really a big deal, but i just realized that all the nominees' name except for Colin Firth for the best actor starts at "J". whatever.

It snowed last night, it will be the last snowfall for the love-and-snow-sucked-month of February. Currently, Toronto is in plus 3 temperature until tomorrow; isn't it nice? No. If you live up here or anywhere else where snow is not a one time thing, you'll know why it is annoying to have a warm temperature after hours of snowfall, and then rain and then the temperature will go back in negative-two-digits-of-awful-cold.

I'm excited, for something/someone/somewhere. It is a top secret.

February 21, 2011

2011-01-06T05:31:00.004-05:00

The successor

Toronto, On

Kelvin and I went to out to see the King's speech; a true story about King George VI's speech disorder. The film was definitely the most amazing portrayal of the disorder. Technically, I enjoyed the cinematography itself, because of the use of an ultra-wide angle lens, the usage of the "rule of thirds" in majority of the film, the color treatment and how they use the mostly-television filming technique "walk and talk".

Most of the scene were filmed at King George VI's speech therapist - Lionel Logue's office, while some were filmed around the royal property, including the Buckingham Palace, the Westminster abbey and some famous street that i don't know the name. The location that i really enjoyed was at the therapist's apartment; It was during the time when the Duke of York, soon the be the King of United Kingdom, Albert, was in a personal conflict with the therapist. It was when Lionel was talking to his wife about a patient having some trouble. and.... blah... Just watch the movie, it was stunning, it was a piece of work, you must see it yourself. The King's Speech starring by Colin firth and Geoffrey Rush.

The photos above were taken earlier this evening, before and after the movie. Some were around Yonge and Bloor and some were from Eglinton and Yonge. Afterward, Kelvin and I met up with Halley in a bar along Eglinton at the Unicorn. It was also a quite sad night; three boys, two cried over the news (the news is just between me and some friends) and the other one doesn't have that much idea of what is going on.

Oh by the way, check out this amazing photography of my friend Deanna Therese Suba.

January 3, 2011

2011-01-03T05:40:00.003-05:00

The third day

Toronto, On

Happy new year everyone. Now i know that someone is actually reading "this thing", i can now say something that will interest everyone. Thanks Flor. Hmmmm, what should i say then?!

Well, it's the start of new year, another year of miseries and start-all-over-again. Many people will begin their never ending 365 day photo project, while other will start their "annual bucket list" - i'm not really sure if that thing exist. I started my 2011 by having loads of works to finish, five different photoshoot that has to be sorted out and then edited - the last set has over 700 images. And i still have more works coming, an actual project, a set of photoshoots, etc....

I started my new year long time ago, when i was born. New year for me is just another day, another number, another calendar. It was not like a new box or pack of something, it feels good as soon as you open it. So why bother standing in a cold pavement waiting for the countdown and fireworks to light up the sky; lucky for those who stand and waited for it this Friday, it was 7 degrees here in Toronto.

These photos were taken at my work this Friday - December 31, 2010, new years eve. I have nothing to do ( i actually do, but i was just lazy to do it), and i have never had a sleep since Thursday night, so i decided to keep myself busy so i will not fall asleep. I decided to go back and do the beginner's photography exercise; Lines, patterns, shape, texture and etc... It was nice doing the old things again, although i have been on search for my personal style (level 5 out of 10).

Other people love posting one picture per day on their blog, i like a set, therefore i don't care.

December 31, 2010

2010-12-31T06:02:00.002-05:00

Saying goodbye

Toronto, On

Today is the last day of the year 2010, my first new year blog, and i still don't know if anyone actually read this thing. For me (it means, only me believes in this opinion), new years resolution is just a piece of shitty promises. Why would you promise things that you won't even do, even you do, will you be happy or are you happy doing it? However i do believe in recollection - of things I have done and have happened to me for the past twelve months of this year. The following are some of the interesting event that happened to me this 2010.

1. Getting a haircut after years of growing it.

2. Enlisting to the Canadian Force, but ended up leaving a contact information in case they need more soldiers.

3. Almost getting cornered by the RCMP (Royal Canadian mounted police) during the G20 protest.

4. Going to Montreal; first time leaving the city.

5. Playing a 18A film in to a G-rated (also known as Kids movie) theater.

6. Discovering the local music scene.

7. Pissing off a band guitarist.
8. Seeing Lamb of God band two times, and Metallica for the first time.

9. Fuck... there are lots of.. blah...

What am i expecting this coming 2011? A lot, but not really a good things.

1. More debts to pay, especially right now that i decided to go back to school.

2. More cockroaches from neighboring unit.

3. Another set of disgusting fashion trend and fad.

4. More shitty celebrity like the one from Stratford, Ontario

5. United Kingdom, will become an Islamic nation and will be switching all the cathedrals to a mosque.

2010-12-24T02:19:00.000-05:00

Dried box

Toronto, On

It's Christmas eve, probably majority of the Christmas-celebrating families are ready for their week long celebration. Stockings, Christmas tree, colorful lights, gifts, foods, candies and chocolates are everywhere. Christmas carols are playing on the radio, classic Christmas movies are on the screen and everyone in the living room are sharing their stories or even worse their childhood Christmas memories.

But not everyone is fortunate enough to have this special day in their lives. There is number of reason for this thing to happen, one is someone working overseas; like soldier who celebrating with their company in the middle of nowhere with fear, nurses and doctors who left their family behind and many more. Its a quite sad story, but all we can do is remember that this day, the Savior is born.

The images above were photos taken at my place around 1am tonight. A quite sad, boring place to see this Christmas. No decoration, although earlier his afternoon our building management sent all their tenants a fresh red poinsettias with holiday greetings, isn't it sweet?! Well Merry Christmas everyone.

December 21, 2010

2010-12-22T03:19:00.000-05:00

The sounds of light

Toronto, On

Winter is the first and the last season of every nation's year in the northern hemisphere, with a temperature of below the average freezing level. Winter solstice mark the beginning of the winter season in both hemispheres, this always occurs when the day is short and the night is long.

Winter solstice has been one of the most important date of celebration and gatherings for different cultures including Christian, Buddhism, Hinduism, Paganism and Native beliefs. Some will celebrate the light and some will celebrate the resurrection of some deity. the Julian Calendar mark the beginning of winter at the 25th day of December which is also known as the Christmas; the celebration of birth of Christ, for the Christian Culture and stayed until the Catholic church and traditional Protestant switch to Gregorian Calendar.

Earlier this evening, at exactly 6:30 PM, Toronto celebrates the winter solstice with a parade of lantern, mascots, Pagan figures and photographers (of course!). The parade started at Kensington Market; a diverse neighborhood and famous for it's hip culture, and ended at a nearby park at Dundas St. West and Bathurst street. At the park, the Kensington Market's Festival of light (actual name) was celebrated by everyone including marching bands, photographer's flashes, acrobats, fire dancings and Natives with their traditional ritual.

The festival ended around 8PM. It was quite cold but some have stayed behind and stand for hours to mark this day. Today is the beginning of almost 4 months; including the early days of spring, of bitter cold winter.

Happy winter solstice.

December 15, 2010

2010-12-15T01:37:00.000-05:00

Going back to the beginning

www.darmainequillao.com

December 14, 2010

2010-12-14T04:58:00.001-05:00

Beneath the steel road

Toronto, On

www.darmainequillao.com

The Flag raising at Iwo Jima - Photo by: J. David Ak/AP Photo

Filipino soldier plays tap during the US memorial day at Manila American cemetery and memorial - Photo by: Aaron Favila/AP Photo

Poppies and crosses during the Remembrance day at United Kingdom - Photo by Oli Scarff/Getty Images Europe

Ode of Remembrance

(third and 4th stanza form "For the fallen")

Laurence Binyon

They went with songs to the battle, they were young,

straight of limb, true of eye, steady and aglow.

They were staunch to the end against odds uncounted;

they fell with their faces to the foe.

They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old.

age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.

At the going down of the sun and in the morning

We will remember them.

---o---

Today is the day, where all the Commonwealth nation including Canada, commemorates all our fallen soldiers who lost their lives from the great wars up to the modern day conflict. Today we are also commemorating all the soldiers around the world who fought and died for their nation's freedom. But it seems, not everyone are aware of what it is all about, why there is such thing as "remembrance day" and who are those to be remember. It sad that this is happening, it sad that those who fought for our nation has been ignored slowly by our modern society. Some nation doesn't even have a program or five minutes of ceremony, therefore nobody knows and appreciate the blood of their men that has been spilled on the trenches and battle fields.

Today, we were asked to spend a little time just to remember those men and women, and thank them for what they have done to our nation, our family, to us.

We will remember them.